“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
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My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.