u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
No selfies while hijacking a train.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be