u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
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The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?