Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Happy Taco Tuesday

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

lmfao

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.