Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

Goat cheese is for herders.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

he’s sick of your bullshit today

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.