Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
the council will decide your fate
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
reminder
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while