u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
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Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey