u guys got any snacks onboard here
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INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.