u guys got any snacks onboard here
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Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Oh deer
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
lmfao
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones