u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
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DOOO EEEET
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider