U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski