U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Hitlers gonna hitl