Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Well, this explains it:

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

My love language is hissing.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.