U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
adam and eve had first world problems
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”