U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
So the ex texted me
