U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
life finds a way
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.