U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!