u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
You Might Also Like
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
A drum solo but on your face.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Natural selection at its finest
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright