u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
You Might Also Like
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Breakfast in bed.
Simple
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try