u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.