u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.