@famouscrab

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

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@just1fool

It’s like my pastor always says, “Who are you and why are you stealing wine?”

@ProudFFAalumni

My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.

@InternetHippo

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

@shkeeber

Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

@SondraDeeMe

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.