Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

that lip filler tho

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

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The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”