Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days