Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1642848000581189633/pu/vid/720x1280/PZ5XvklqFXlrdram.mp4?tag=12

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.