U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Well, this certainly took a turn
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes