Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.