U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course