…u ok Nintendo?
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Damn what did I do next
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.