U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
❤️❤️❤️
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.