U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
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“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.