Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

How does one answer this?

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.