I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account