It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him
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[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.
Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: So there are 365 days in a year, yet there are 52 weeks consisting of 7 days each, which equals 364 days. Where does that extra da…
Guy at the bar: I think I see my friends