“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
#parenting
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?