u spoke cat all this time??????
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“I wouldn’t.”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.