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[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.