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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.