Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

ready to be harvested

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.