U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.