Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this

My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.

10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?