Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
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friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
plums roundup
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
the only organized thing in my life is crime