@smashbrown_

U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?

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@thegallowboob

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

@AndyAsAdjective

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

@HMittelmark

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

@KWalps

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

@RickAaron

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

@dumbbeezie

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

@aLunchBox

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

@Tmoney68

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.