Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?