Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”

Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

Stop being racist to kettles.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin