@BoomBoomBetty

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

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@Harbinger_one

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

@sip_at_home_mom

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

@noog

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

@justokpanda

Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

@thedad

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

@furrrizzle

People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them.

@SCbchbum

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

@bkmorrison

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.