Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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The pasta is now
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My circle of trust is a meatball
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I feel seen.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.