Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks


2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.


Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house


Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.


Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.


Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol


People that have their kids on a leash get very defensive when you pet them.


You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.


Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.