Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Thursday Thought.
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[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk