Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”