[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
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*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
lmfao come on
