Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.