uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time