uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Never mess with a drunken pig.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.