Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Grandpa

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.