Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
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Math at Halloween.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
When you try jalapeños for the first time
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today