Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.