Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.