uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
no their not
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.