uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Why? Just why? 😂
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’