uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot