Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough