uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
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Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Who chose this font
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Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”