UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.