God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
meanwhile over on facebook
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.