Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.