uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Wow 🤣
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Reminder:
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.