Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.