UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Breaking news:
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.